March 15, 2016

Finding Myself Again

 Cassie Loree Photography

It happens to all of us after we become a mother (at least I'm assuming). You have that baby and suddenly your world and everyone else's revolves around that tiny human. Every second of every hour of everyday is dedicated to that child - making sure his needs are fulfilled and making sure he is cared for and loved on to no bounds. Somewhere in the middle of all that you catastrohically catapult everything you ever were to the back burner of your life.  You don't even look back, and you don't even miss the "old you." You forget about yourself and your needs. Half your days are spent in sweats, not even remembering to eat until finally you can't ignore the rumble of your own tummy and by now it's 5:00pm. You are so wrapped up in your baby it's easy to overlook these "minor" details. And finally one day it all hits you like a 90 mile an hour fast ball right to the gut. Cue freak out.
Who am I anymore? I don't do anything. ever. at all. with anyone. I am living in my own little bubble, just here in my house. I don't take care of myself like I should, and I suddenly feel depleted from giving of myself to the extreme. Giver of oneself. That should be included in the definition of mother. I never knew just how much you have to give. And wow I also didn't realize how important it is to recharge your mama battery. You can't run a car without gas, and you certainly can't run yourself without fuel either. It took quite a while for me to figure this out. Those feelings of desperation and resentment crept into my heart seeing that everyone else was getting to do things for themselves. Why wasn't I delivered such a royal treatment? After all, I've been working myself into the ground. Finally it clicked. It's ok to ask for help. It's ok to ask for time away. It's ok to need some alone time in a place where you can focus solely on yourself. It's called getting recharged.  I realized that self pity wasn't an attractive quality especially for someone who is so blessed! I realized it was necessary for a healthy, happy me and it was necessary so I can have the ultimate amount of love and grace to be able to give to Beckham. I find that if I don't take time away, I get short tempered and weary very quickly, my attitude tends to get a little stinky, and my outlook on the day gets distorted. When I take time to read the word of God, pray, drink a coffee in solitude not rushing, and not be pulled in 12 directions or cleaning a poopy diaper is when I can relax and calm my mind and get my focus set on the right path. Because motherhood is such a gift, it's such a beautiful adventure. It is a character builder, a pride depleter, and a total love tank filler. The only way you can view it with that mindset is when, in fact, you take time away from motherhood. You step back and appreciate what you have been given. I missed out on several months of motherhood because of a bad exhausted attitude. I was depleted, I was weary, and I was selfish.

The old me is gone. It's true I'm changed. But it's been so wonderful reflecting on the changes that have taken place in my heart and mind (not to mention my bod). Once you accept the "new you," it's fun to fully embrace yourself for who you are and stop wishing and trying to be like your old self (including that super flat once upon a time tummy). I'm so much better now than I was. I don't think having a baby is the only way to improve yourself, don't get me wrong. I don't think for a second that if you don't have a baby you aren't a beautiful, wonderful complete person by any means. It just worked for me as a sudden personal/social culture shock, and I've been working on my character ever since.
Something that helps me everyday is taking time and doing things that I used to do everyday pre baby, it helps me feel "normal" again. The following five things are the things I do everyday to ensure I maintain a positive outlook. 

1. Read the Word. Even if it's 5 minutes, I make it a point to read the bible everyday (or listen to it, the bible app rocks). It truly makes a world of a difference in my mindset. If I skip a day I totally notice in my attitude and my patience level. Being reminded of God's love and faithfulness as well as what we are called to be is a huge uplifter for me. I want to be the best me, which means less of Emily and more of Jesus. Relying on his goodness to make me a good mama.
2. Put makeup on. As vain and silly as this might be it truly helps me feel empowered & beautiful! Even if I have nowhere to go I love putting makeup on-even lipstick!!!. I went months without it. LITERALLY MONTHS. And didn't attend to my physical appearance whatsoever and I felt really down. I thought it was silly to put makeup on with nowhere to go and no one to see but it's NOT. It's good for my mind.
3. Get dressed. I can't say that occasionally I don't just lounge around in comfies but most days I try to get myself dressed. Even if it's super casual. Get outta those pajamas and pretend you got somewhere to be. It makes my days so much more productive when I do!
4. Focus on your baby. Some days I suck at this, truly. Some days I'm caught up in things I want to accomplish that I don't take time to just relax and enjoy playing and being silly with Beckham. At the end of the day, that's what's most important to me. Chores will get done later, my baby is only my baby once. I want to soak it up wholeheartedly without regrets.
5. Get out of the house! I find it very difficult to stay home ALL DAY LONG. That was a really hard adjustment for me when Beckham was born. I was advised to stay home for a minimum of two months in order to keep him away from all the germs floating around. Now that he is older I make sure we run some sort of an errand at least once a day. Even if we just drive to Starbucks to get a drink. It really helps me getting out for a bit, out of our "bubble." We like to go to the park, visit the grandparents, or run to target, too. I hate feeling cooped up so this works for me.

Finding myself has been a character building journey very full of learning. I'm thankful for God's goodness in this season of my life, and I'm thankful that I don't have to have it all figured out, cause Lord knows none of us do! I'm just enjoying this whole motherhood thing one messy day at a time.


  1. Love this! I was just thinking/writing about this same topic!!

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    3. Thank you so much! What is your blog name? I would love to read your posts!

  2. Thank you so much for this post.
    I think I had unknowingly developed a very similar list, but it wasn't until baby number 3.
    With my oldest I was still quite content being home all day....but then again she was an easy baby and she allowed me time to blog, craft, etc.
    With middle sister, she was hard, and I never had a chance to think about anything, let alone myself.
    Now....little sister is here and she is another easy baby and I am so grateful for that and thankful for the little things.
    I have always known I feel like I have more energy if I change out of my pjs (except for the occasional lazy pj/movie day with my girls).
    I have always said 'Fake it til you make it' regards to make-up....eyeliner and mascara make me look away....whether I am or not... :D
    I use the 'She Reads Truth' app to get my daily dose of God and his word. It DOES make a difference.
    We try to run an errand or go for a walk most days. The fresh air is good for us.

    You post is beautiful, you are beautiful, you are a good mom!
    Keep it up!

    1. Thank you so much! These things truly do help me everyday. I am hoping our next baby is easy one day hahaha. Thank you for your encouragement. You are so sweet!

  3. Em, this is so good. Thanks for sharing! I love these tips, it's great to have the encouragement to keep at it. You're wonderful.

    1. Thank you Sabrina. I love all of your posts. Thanks for your sweet comment! Hope you are well