April 29, 2016

Am I Doing a Good Job?

 
 

 And then you think to yourself at the end of every day as you gather scattered toys throughout the house to put away in the toy basket, and as you gather the dirty laundry that has been laying around for days...you wonder. Am I doing a good enough job? Did I tell him I love him enough times today? Did I interact and play with him enough? Was I more interested and attentive to him and his vivacious spirit, or did I look at my phone too much? Was I distracted by all that I need to get done? Am I capable to raise a strong, confident, independent person? One who loves and follows Jesus everyday? Someone who is a good kind person who contributes to society? Do I even have enough sense or wisdom to raise this little life and point him to Jesus with everything I say and do? Gosh I hope so, but it's a lot of pressure. This little human and all of society is counting on me to do a good job. Did I discipline him enough when he did wrong, or was I too passive because I'm so tired? Was I patient enough? Did he notice when I lost my temper and huffed down the hall? Did I teach him enough today? Will my husband be proud of me? Oh my goodness it's a merry-go-round of uncertainty in myself every night. Raising a little human is so hard. It's so scary...and often times I think, What the crap am I even doing? I don't know WHAT I'm doing?!?! I've never raised a child before, and the responsibility is sometimes an overwhelming reality. I only have one shot for this little life. This person is depending on me to teach him how to do good even when everyone else isn't. It's true, I have a teammate in my husband. He is half responsible too, and he helps raise and nurture and teach and discipline our child as much as I do. But I'm with Beckham every day all day. I'm with him 24/7 with the exception of waxing my lip or running to target solo for some eggs. It's me and him. And I can't help but feel like I take the brunt of the "parenthood weight" each day when I see my husband drive off to work. With a kiss that assures me he will be back... in 8 hours or so... after many diapers have been changed and 2 naps have been had.. after tantrums have been thrown and several meals eaten. When the sun is setting he will be back to help with bath time and bedtime, after I've lost my temper a few times and my sanity a few more times, after I've looked at the clock every five minutes since 10:30am wondering why 5:00pm hates me so much. He will be back. Why is that reality so scary? Why is it so overwhelming? After all, I'm the mama. I grew him and knew him in my tummy 8 months before we both got to meet him face to face. The responsibility is mine to have and to embrace. But recently I've realized something. It's not really up to me. God's totally got my back on this one. He entrusted this little life to me (us), and if I trust in him and seek and pray that he imparts wisdom, he will! He will give me the wisdom to raise our little human to be the best he can be. It's not about Emily, thank goodness because I fail quite often. When I count on Emily's strength or patience or wisdom or anything, I fail. Every. Dang. Time. When I count on Christ, it's impossible to fail. How grateful I am that he never leaves us or forsakes us. I never knew how much motherhood would teach me. I am so grateful God is allowing me to embrace this role and to use it to sharpen my character every day. Being a mother freakin rocks. I know I say it often and I'll say it again, my little precious human who shares half of my DNA teaches me more lessons each day than I ever learned at school, more than I ever learned at church, more than I ever learned reading books. It's through these beautiful innocent little souls we are able to air out the ugly stinky closets we had shut up for so long inside of us. Man oh man, how it rips your character into 1,000 pieces of impatience and selfishness you had so desperately been holding onto without realizing. What I've learned is that it doesn't matter how much I get done in a day. My worth isn't measured in how many loads of laundry I fold or how stocked the refrigerator is, how clean the bathroom is, or how zen I am by 7:00pm. The real worth and the real juicy meaty part of life is found in the days and moments where you truly enjoy the present moment. The stress, the struggles, the joy, the goodness, all of it. When the house is a mess and toys are strewn about everywhere like a mini tornado hit. The days where you don't worry so much about steam cleaning all the rugs. You leave them dirty, and dig into the heart and soul of your babies and see how much you can make them giggle. To truly be in the present enjoying the simpleness of a day spent at home in your sweats enjoying the company of people you love. Aren't those the days we look back on with stars in our eyes and enchantment in our hearts reminiscing about those care free times that weren't perfect but were all at the same time? I don't want to look back with any regret. Because what matters is people and moments, not a certain number of followers, not how many Prada handbags you own, not how perfectly you are able to juggle everything in life all at the same time. Invest in the things that truly matter, people. I think if we all do that the world will be a much more beautiful place. And regret will be just a word that takes up space in the dictionary.

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