June 3, 2016

Mama, What's in the Name?

  I was the worst wife and decided to wake Blake up from his nap one evening last week. We had already agreed that we would visit the park that evening, and I was determined to do so. Poor Blake, he is such a trooper though. We had a little Chickfila picnic and played and played. I've taken Beckham to this park several times with my mom in law, but it was our first time to go as our little family of three. It was so much fun, and it was the most beautiful evening. 
It wasn't super hot, and Beckham loved getting to show his daddy all around the playground. After we were done playing on the actual playground, we headed down the hill to a field of flowers located right off the walking path. Let me tell you, Texas has the most beautiful wild flowers in the spring. They pop up EVERYWHERE and just make the most ordinary places extraordinary. These sun flowers were no different. They were so bright, and there were so many of them. Truly one of the most beautiful displays of nature. We just couldn't resist getting some photos of them. I didn't dare venture into them because well...you know snakes are kinda a big deal here in the South, and I don't really have any desire to meet one face to foot anytime soon. So we stayed and appreciated the flowers from a safe distance right on the edge. You can keep yourselves coiled in the tall grass snakes, I'm fine. Just a sweet little evening with my family. It's moments like this evening that I will relish and remember forever.

These two just melt my insides. They are just the cutest when they play together. Nothing like seeing your husband become a daddy, it is just one of those really special things, you know?
I've also been thinking a little on motherhood lately. I came from such a terrible place with postpartum depression when Beckham was born, sometimes I just think deeply about how far we have come since day 1. It's so refreshing.

They tell you. They all try to warn you. They try to get you mentally ready for what you are going to experience. And if you are anything like me, you shrug off all the "just wait" and "you have no idea what you are in for" like you've heard it all already. Because you have. Everyone has told you and showed you with that timid sweet smile about how it's gonna be hard. What can be so hard and challenging about it all? I am assuming it's going to be work. And I assume it will change some aspects of life, but what's all the fuss about?
Well they were all right. I had no clue what I was getting myself into. You can't tell by all the pretty pictures on pinterest and mommy blogs. They usually don't take pictures of the scraped knees and snotty noses, the tempter tantrums or the toy throwing. But why would they? We all just want to remember the picturesque moments....not the hard ones.
It grows you like nothing else ever could. It strips away selfishness each day just like makeup washes off your face every night. It rips out your desires and replaces them with someone else's. Their dreams suddenly become yours. You are there instantly if they fall, always ready to dust off their knee, kiss a boo boo, and make it better. You get to be there for the good too. The giggles and the tickle fights, the open mouth kisses given from that innocent little heart, the little chubby finger hugs and all. You get it all - the good, the bad, and the wonderful. I used to let the bad stress me out. Instantly. I mean zero to a million percent stressed in .5 milliseconds. Now I am learning everyday to go with the flow a little. Life can't all be mountaintops, and babies are going to cry no matter how awesome your motherhood skills are. But boy how wonderful it is to enjoy the view from life on top of those high hills. You learn to savor the sweet moments, and they always outweigh the crappy ones.
Cold food is almost understood at this point. I usually go pee while pretending my leg is a horsey while Beckham rides...sounds sanitary right? You gotta do what you gotta do. There is always somebody more important who needs you to help them. And it's ok, it is so wonderful to feel needed by such an innocent little soul. I never knew what the role of mama would be like. I had ideas of what I assumed it would be, but nothing compares to the valleys and mountaintops that is motherhood. I'm so grateful for it. I know I talk a lot about the hardships and character building that envelopes being a mama because it's really hard. It's really constant, and there are no days off. Even when you are "off" and away spending time in solitude, you can't turn off your mama brain. It's always about someone else. Wondering, sometimes worrying, praying, and pleading that this child seeks Christ. It's constant. Every aspect of being a mama. And I love it. Oh how I relish it. I can't ever stop kissing those squishy perfect cheeks, or telling him how much I adore him. I wouldn't change any of it. I would do it all over again in a minute. The sleepless nights, the frustration, the uncertainty, the crazy hormones, the overwhelming love, the expanding of the heart, the developing of character, the exploding of ugliness that spills out when you realize how ugly your selfish human nature is. The total and complete reliance on Jesus Christ and his grace and goodness. It's been the craziest year and a half. The best and hardest yet. I've learned so much and let the Lord sharpen my character everyday. I'm better than I was 18 months ago. So much better. But only because Jesus allowed me to be. Thankful. So thankful. I'm going to choose to remember the days spent in field of flowers where pure joy reigned in my heart and mind.

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